


Since That Morning

by rukatsukinagatan



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, and rabits, back at it with the annoying multichaptered slowburn fics, based on sweet halloween, bc i cant write anything else, btw this fic is so dumb and dramatic, happy october everybody, plus other first years, some liberties taken tho lol, sorry if u cringe but, you clicked on this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-11-10 17:38:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20855645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rukatsukinagatan/pseuds/rukatsukinagatan
Summary: Hajime confessed everything he'd been hiding to Tomoya during Halloween. Tomoya's rejection hurt, but not being able to properly talk to Tomoya anymore only rubs salt in that (already very painful) wound.Meanwhile Tomoya figures out that maybe, just maybe, what he's thinking isn't what a guy friend would usually think about another guy friend, so he's trying to cope.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> long time no fic...so here's a halloween special! Sweet Halloween always left me wanting more from tomohaji, but clearly akira's not gonna give us that, so here I am. All I can fucking write is drawn out, mutual pining slow burn I guess so do enjoy. Tomohaji is actually my favorite ship, so I'm happy I'm finally getting around to writing them!! I seriously feel like I've done everything but these two so I hope this turns out well...

“I don’t want to separate from you… I can’t do anything without you… I won’t know what to do anymore, and I’ll start crying in panic…” 

Hajime realized he was already crying, quickly reaching to wipe his cheeks with his sleeves. He looked down at his lap, wondering if he said too much already. 

Tomoya reached out, fingers lightly against Hajime’s knee, “Come on, don’t cry Hajime.”

Hajime forced himself to look up, and was able to find comfort in the empathy in Tomoya’s face. It’s something he’s always loved about his best friend, how he never just listens to, but understands Hajime. Hajime accepted a long time ago that he was slower than everyone else, that as he grew up he’d have to deal with his peers moving on without him, and he’d have to learn how to deal with everything on his own.

Meeting Tomoya changed that. Meeting someone who was more than happy to slow down, let Hajime breathe and be comfortable even if it slowed Tomoya down with him was a blessing for Hajime. 

Hajime had always been very attached to Tomoya, his parents would joke that he was codependent even, but how could he help it? Then the race at school happened, Hajime remembered being certain that he’d be left behind again before being ridiculed when he would be forced to cross the line far behind the others. 

Tomoya wouldn’t let him carry that burden by himself. Like every other aspect in their lives, Tomoya stayed by Hajime. They both probably looked so dumb finishing so late, a look Tomoya could have totally avoided, but instead he chose to stay with Hajime. 

Hajime loved him. He’d always felt so close to Tomoya, so warm around him, but since that day he knew it was love. He always tried to express his love the best he could, treating Tomoya to tea and sweets and flowers, holding his hand when they walked together, trying his hardest to get better and better, to catch up so that Tomoya doesn’t have to wait for him anymore. All to work up to the day he’d let Tomoya know how he’s felt since that day.

It all came to this; they had a fight. No matter how hard Hajime tried to comply with everything and anything Tomoya wanted up until that day, he got mad at him when Tomoya didn’t comply with Hajime. It was selfish, but after so long of accepting whatever came his way to become the best idol he could be, it was frustrating when it felt like Tomoya of all people wanted to stop him in his tracks. He didn’t want Tomoya to let go of his hand and run ahead, but Hajime didn’t want to do the same to him. 

It didn’t matter anymore; the job, who’s in front of who, or whatever was going to happen at the Halloween party. Hajime’s head had been in chaos the last few days, like how it was when he was alone on the race track, before Tomoya came to save him. 

In case it ever happened again, in case the two-way road they were bound to face came sooner than expected, he needed to let Tomoya know how he felt. He could manage it all these years, but he was finally at a bursting point, he had to know what Tomoya felt too.

He gave a small smile at Tomoya, who asked him to stop crying for probably the millionth time in the past few years, “Okay. If I ever do something wrong, please scold me like you did just now. Please, just be close enough that I can hear you say it… It doesn’t matter which of our hands is doing the pulling, as long as it’s your hand in mine.” He inhaled a shaky breath, “Please, I’m begging you, Tomoya-kun… I love you.”

The words came out without a second thought, free to do so after being forced to hide for so long. His stomach felt unbearably tight as he waited for Tomoya to respond, but all Hajime was met with when he looked at him was Tomoya staring at him with wide eyes. He wondered if he had startled him too much, if Tomoya was going to end it right here.

“Why are you staring at me?” Hajime asked, hoping his voice didn’t give away how scared he felt, “Is my hair messed up?”

Tomoya blinked before shaking his head, “…Nah. I was just thinking how nice it would’ve been if you were a girl.”

Hajime wasn’t sure what to make of that response, “Huh?! Am I not good enough as a boy?” 

“No, it’s fine that you are… But if you were a girl, then even though it’s not what you meant, I could’ve mistaken what you said as something else….”

“Mistaken what I…?” The realization hit Hajime hard. Tomoya responded so indifferently, and Hajime knew in an instant Tomoya didn’t feel even a shred of what he himself had been dealing with for almost three years. 

He couldn’t elaborate anymore, couldn’t risk scaring Tomoya away forever after having already come so close to losing him. He cleared his throat, “No! I just meant as a friend! I love you as a friend!”

“Yeah,” Tomoya smiled, and him and Hajime continued talking like nothing happened. 

Hajime did his best to listen and respond, despite his chest tightening and his face burning. His eyes hurt, as happy as he was that Tomoya would stay his friend, he really wished he could leave right now.

They made up, even shook on it for whatever reason, “Well,” Tomoya said, “I guess I should get ready, huh? Have we had breakfast yet?” 

“No,” Hajime told him, “Why don’t you go ahead? I’ll catch up~”

“Alright,” Tomoya nodded, standing up, “Don’t take too long, I’m sure Nii-chan’s already wondering where we are.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right out, Tomoya-kun.” Hajime said, watching as Tomoya gathered his things to get ready for the day. 

Almost as soon as the door shut Hajime let out a sob before breaking down completely. He buried his face in his hands, devastated by Tomoya’s response. 

To pour his heart out and just be dismissed like that broke his heart far more than rejection ever could. He didn’t even know why, wasn’t that what he wanted? For things to go back to the way they were? 

That’s what he tried telling himself, but he knew why it hurt. He wanted him, and loved relishing in the idea that Tomoya might want him too. Now it was absolute that that could never be true, to the point where Tomoya wouldn’t ever even consider it.

He wiped at his face, realizing he can’t stay here and cry forever. His unit mates and friends were waiting for him after all, he should really join everyone at breakfast before someone comes to check on him. He took in a shaky breath, steeling himself to get up and leave the room.

He walked over several futons before suddenly tripping over the last one in the row. He caught himself on his hands before his face hit the ground, hoping he didn’t yell too loudly. When he looked back, he saw there was a lump under the blanket moving around.

“H-Huh?” He sat up, looking closely at it. He crawled to it but stopped in his tracks when a head popped out.

“T-Takamine-kun!?” Hajime gasped, “You’re still here?”

“U-Uh…” Midori stared at him, dumbfounded, “I was, um, sleeping in.”

“Oh,” Hajime said, “So you were asleep the whole time…”

“...Yeah.”

“...”

“Okay, I heard everything,” Midori sighed, sitting up, “I, uh, always knew you and Mashiro-kun were really close, but I wasn’t sure if you liked him like that…”

“I have for a while,” He confessed, “We’ve always been so close, sometimes it felt like he might feel the same way. But when I confessed that I loved him, he didn’t even consider it was anything but friendship.”

“Yeah, that was kind of mean of him.” Midori said.

“I-It’s fine, isn’t it?” Hajime said sadly, “He likes girls, after all, and we’ve been best friends for so long...It’d be weird to change that now, I didn’t even think about it.”

“He could have just said no instead of pretending like it didn’t happen,” Midori sighed, “I guess it’s not my business though. Um…Sorry for eavesdropping, I really didn’t mean to, I didn’t wanna interrupt.”

“I-It’s fine, but can you not tell anyone this happened?” Hajime asked, “If Tomoya-kun wants things to stay the way they are, then people probably shouldn’t know about this…”

“You’re really selfless, huh Shino-kun?” Midori commented, “Of course I won’t tell anyone, it’d be a bother anyway if people came to me because they think I have gossip.” 

“Thank you, Takamine-kun!” Hajime said, “I’m gonna go wash my face, you probably shouldn’t keep the others waiting either.”

“Yeah,” He said, “Um, I know this kind of thing is hard, I wish I could help more...But if you’re still really upset about it…”

“It’s fine, Takamine-kun,” Hajime told him, “This is my problem, not yours. I’ll get over it, and me and Tomoya-kun can continue like we always have. If it’s his hand in mine, I don’t care if he likes me or not, I’m just glad he’s there.”

“If you say so.” Midori said, stretching before taking the covers off, “I’m glad you and Mashiro-kun could make up, the tension was really weird.”

“Me too~” Hajime chirped, getting up and saying goodbye to Midori before exiting the room.

Midori looked down at his phone, scrolling through the thread of messages he and Tetora had sent back and forth as the scene between Hajime and Tomoya unfolded. He sighed, tapping at the keyboard.

_Hey Tetora-kun, this might go without saying, but make sure you keep this to yourself___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This is the only part where I use stuff from canon, I literally copied and pasted from the wiki so thank u holy enstars wiki for that (more specifically the translator lolol). From here on everything's made up so I won't fuck with canon anymore then I already have.
> 
> Anyway thanks again, look forward to the rest of this train wreck plz and thx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry in advanced i literally cannot imagine tetora as anything but a dudebro so that's what you get

Midori walked to where Tetora and Shinobu were eating breakfast, Tetora looking at him with wide eyes. 

“H-Hey gu-”

“Dude!” Tetora exclaimed.

“Hi, Tetora-kun.”

“Duuude! What happened in there?” 

“You got my messages, right?” Midori said, “I already told you. Besides, we shouldn’t talk about it when everyone is right there…”

“Talk about what?” Shinobu asked, “I saw Tetora-kun looking at his phone rather intently, but I did not realize you were messaging each other.”

“I really can’t say,” Midori sighed.

“Come on, can’t we tell him?” Tetora asked, “Not now, but after this Halloween performance, we should let him know, this is too crazy to keep to ourselves!”

“Ever heard of privacy?” Midori asked, “But yeah, I’d feel bad keeping secrets from Shinobu-kun.” He looked to Shinobu, “We’ll tell you after all this, I promise.”

Shinobu nodded, “I am excited to hear what you found out~”

Midori nodded, glancing over at where Hajime was sitting next to Tomoya. They were talking happily, as if nothing had happened. Midori wondered if Hajime could truly move on like he said, or if Tomoya was really that unfeeling, but he didn’t want to be caught staring, so he got back to his breakfast.

Halloween was a success, and although Midori was hoping Shinobu would forget what he said, Tetora was still excited to tell him. So now it was after school, and they had Shinobu meet them in the 1A classroom, where Midori explained what he had witnessed.

“Then Shino-kun went on this big tangent about how much Mashiro-kun meant to him, how he always wanted to be beside him…”

“And that’s when he did it!” Tetora interrupted, “Right, Midori-kun?”

“Yeah,” He sighed, “Shino-kun told Mashiro-kun that he loved him. And you could tell from the way he said it that it was definitely not in a friend way…But Mashiro-kun just said it'd be nice if he were a girl.”

“Is that so?” Shinobu asked, eyes widening, “To think Shino-kun has harboured such feelings this whole time…”

“When Mashiro-kun left, Shino-kun just started bawling,” Midori sighed, “He obviously felt pretty hurt by what he said.”

“It must be so hard,” Tetora said sadly, “Hajime-kun’s a good guy who always puts others before himself. This is probably a lot harder than he’s letting on.”

“Right?” Said Hinata, standing at the doorway, “It really is a shame, too bad Tomo-kun’s too dense.”

“Hinata-kun!?” Midori gasped, “How long have you been there?”

“The whole time~” He said, “I left something in here, but you three were in the middle of such an interesting conversation.”

“Ugh, this is the worst,” Midori groaned, “I said I’d keep it a secret, but three other people already know. If Shino-kun finds out, he’ll never forgive me.”

“I’m not gonna go spreading it around, you know,” Hinata said, “That’s crazy though, that you heard all that. All because you were trying to get an extra five minutes of sleep.”

“I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t ruin their moment like that…”

“I just hope those two really do continue their friendship,” Shinobu said, “It would be bad for everyone if they were to truly split up, I think.”

“Yeah,” Tetora agreed, “They’re in the same class and the same unit. They do everything together, I can’t imagine a world where they act like strangers.”

“Hey, Midori-kun,” Hinata asked, “Tomo-kun told Hajime-kun that he wished he was a girl, didn’t he?”

“Something like that. Said it’d be nice.”

“Isn’t that a weird thing to say?” Hinata wondered, “I dunno, it’s just weird to me that he wouldn’t say no.”

“He doesn’t wanna hurt Shino-kun,” Midori assumed, “It was a shitty, round-about way of saying no, but I’m pretty sure it’s what he meant.”

Hinata shrugged again, “Well, I should go, Yuuta-kun’s been blowing up my phone this whole time,” He chuckled, opening his texts, “I’ll see you guys later!”

“You better not tell your brother about this,” Midori warned, “Or anyone, for that matter.”

“I would never~” Hinata said, symbolically zipping his lips shut, “You worry too much.”

He left, and Midori sighed, “I really hope he doesn’t go spreading this around…”

“Surely Hinata-kun is not that cruel…” Shinobu tried to reassure him.

“Shouldn’t we get to practice too?” Tetora asked, “Taichou’s probably looking for us.”

The other two nodded, trying to brush off any feelings of dread as they went to practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rest of 1A plus Shinobu's involved oh noooo 
> 
> i honestly dont know if i made hinata too much of a dick or not lmao (he's got excellent gaydar tho) i love 2wink i promise
> 
> thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy the inclusion of all their friends


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow guess who totally forgot to update this heheeeee I've had this open in a tab ready to post for like 5 days and everything lol sorry guys

Tomoya and Hajime had agreed that things would go back to normal, but that didn't seem to be the case.

He was in class, but couldn’t pay any attention, his mind wandering back to his dilemma every time he wasn’t thinking about anything else. Tomoya found he wasn't talking to Hajime outside of practice as much as he used to. Sometimes when he did it was nothing but small talk that led nowhere. Weren’t things supposed to go back to normal after Halloween? That’s what he and Hajime agreed on, they shook on it and everything!

The worst part was that Tomoya knew exactly why this was happening. Whenever he saw Hajime, even just thought about him, his mind wandered back to that morning, where Hajime told him how he had felt. Him being left behind, him being scared they were going down different paths, him loving Tomoya.

Tomoya was jolted out of his thoughts by the school bell, looking around at the other students leaving their seats. He (almost instinctively) looked to where Hajime was. All he was doing was packing up, this is the point where Tomoya would go and talk to him, right?

“He~y, Tomo-kun,” Out of seemingly nowhere, Hinata appeared at his desk, “You okay? You looked out of it all class.”

“What, were you watching me?” Tomoya asked, “I’m fine, just...thinking, I guess.”

“‘Bout what?” He asked, taking a near by chair to sit in it, “Tell uncle Hinata all your worries~”

“Don’t call yourself my uncle,” Tomoya sighed, “It’s...That’s the thing, I don’t know exactly what it is, but I might have an idea? Maybe…?”

Hinata only leaned forward, the look on his face telling Tomoya “I’m not leaving until you tell me something.” It wasn’t like Tomoya himself really knew what was going on, what’s the worst that could happen? He looked to see if Hajime was around, and thankfully he was busy talking with Tetora. 

“Okay, so remember that Halloween event Ra*bits went to?” Tomoya asked, before going into the rest of the details. The fight him and Hajime had, all the way to the morning he couldn’t get off his mind.

“But even though it’s all over, and we agreed we were still friends, it feels weird talking to him, like there’s a wall or something?”

“Man, that’s really unlike you two,” Hinata said thoughtfully, “You tell each other everything, right? If there’s a wall, that means there’s something stopping you two from understanding each other.”

“But what’s there to understand?” Tomoya asked, “Like I said, he was really honest with me during Halloween! If anything, I feel like I should understand him more, right?”

“Well, Hajime told you how he felt, and what did you say back?” Hinata asked, feigning innocence.

“W-Well,” Tomoya stammered, a bit embarrassed at his own response, “I asked him about some idol work he was thinking about taking. It was the whole reason for our argument, actually, and we talked about some other stuff, like our future together…”

“How cold, Tomo-kun, just changing the subject like that,” Hinata teased, “Hajime got everything off of his chest, but what about you?”

“Me?” Tomoya asked, “I dunno, I didn’t really have anything to get off my chest. Hajime’s always the one getting like that, sometimes he just needs to talk about stuff like that, so I let him.” He sighed, frustrated, “That’s why I don’t understand what’s going on, why it feels like that wall’s there…”

“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t keep trying,” Hinata suggested, “The morning you said you’d go back to normal, that’s probably what’s bothering you, right?”

“I mean, maybe?” Tomoya asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Because like I said, you agreed you’d go back to normal, but it still feels like how it felt when you were fighting, right? That must mean something was still missing.”

“This isn’t a drama, you know,” Tomoya sighed, “You’re making it sound more dramatic than it is.”

“All I’m saying is maybe you should think about it, and talk it through with Hajime-kun.” Hinata said, “Seriously, you both are still kind of sulky, and we’re all getting worried.”

Tomoya looked at his desk, wondering what he could even say to Hajime. He was jolted out of his thoughts when he felt a tap on his shoulder, and looked up to see Hajime standing at his desk now, “Tomoya-kun, I didn’t wanna interrupt your conversation, but practice starts in five minutes. We shouldn’t keep Nii-chan or Mitsuru-kun waiting.”

“Right,” Tomoya said, acutely aware of the tightness in his chest, “We were done talking anyway, let’s go.” He got up, grabbing his back and slinging it over his shoulder. He paused, thinking about how he should say this.

“Tomoya-kun?” Hajime asked, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tomoya reassured him, “Hey, uh, after practice do you wanna stay over at my place? It’s been a while, don’t you think?”

“Tonight?” Hajime asked, to which Tomoya nodded, “Um, yeah, I’d like that. It has been a while, after all~”

“Good,” Tomoya sighed, half to Hajime, half to himself as they left for practice.

Practice was over, and although it was late Hajime walked home with Tomoya as promised. The walk was quiet, more so than usual, but Tomoya was hoping that talking over what had happened would fix that, and everything could truly go back to normal. 

They got to his house. Hajime could find his bedroom and sit down on the bed criss-crossed like it was his own home, another place he was really comfortable in. He took one of the pillows from the headboard, setting it in his lap and leaning forward before smiling at Tomoya.

“You wanted to talk about something, Tomoya-kun?”

“Ah, yeah!” Tomoya said, taking a seat next to him, “Nothing serious, um...It’s about what you said at Halloween.”

Tomoya saw Hajime’s eyes widened, fingers unconsciously gripping the pillow harder, “D-Do you mean what I said on the day of the live…?”

“Yeah, when you talked about how I’ve always held your hand, and you told me you loved me…” Hajime nodded, waiting for Tomoya to continue. He cleared his throat, “I just thought I should say, uh, thank you.”

“Thank you?” Hajime questioned.

“Yeah! It was really sweet of you to say, I had no idea I meant that much to you.”

Hajime still looked uncomfortable, and Tomoya figured he really didn’t want to talk about it. Hajime leaned back, hugging the pillow close, “It’s just how I feel, Tomoya-kun. I was afraid I was gonna lose you because of our argument, so I thought I should let you know.”

“I see…” Tomoya said, “I guess I just feel bad because I kind of ignored you, right? Instead of thanking you, or saying something nice back, I said something kind of dumb…” He laughed awkwardly, “Wishing you were a girl just because you said you loved me, that’s shallow, isn’t it?”

Hajime didn’t respond, still looking away as he buried the lower half of his face deeper into the pillow he was holding onto. Tomoya couldn’t figure out what was going on with him, all he could do was take a stab in the dark, “If you’re still worried because you think I wish you were a girl, that’s not it. If you weren’t a boy, you couldn’t go to Yumenosaki with me, or be in Ra*bits, or stay overnight like this with me…!”

“I know, Tomoya-kun.” Hajime replied bluntly, voice muffled by the cushion. 

What is he being so difficult for? Tomoya was certain this was what Hajime wanted, but now he was acting like Tomoya was being a nuisance. “Did my comment bother you that much?” Tomoya asked, “Hearing someone say I love you like that, wouldn’t any boy think of how nice it’d be to hear a girl say that?”

Silence again, “Hajime, come on,” Tomoya said, doing his best not to sound irritated, “You think about it too, don’t you? Having a girlfriend one day?”

“No,” Hajime answered him finally, “I never think about that kind of thing.”

“O-Oh,” Tomoya stuttered, not having expected that, “I mean, even if you don’t want a girlfriend right now, you-”

“I don’t like girls, Tomoya-kun.” Hajime narrowed his eyes before completely submerging his face in the pillow. 

It took Tomoya a second, but he soon understood what Hajime meant, and why this conversation left him so bothered. Tomoya began to think about how a lot of things he said probably bothered Hajime, but Hajime never said anything until now.

He was taken out of his thoughts when he saw Hajime’s shoulders shake. He reached out to lightly place a hand on one, “H-Hey, are you okay?”

Hajime lifted his face, sniffling and using his hand to move hair that was stuck to his cheeks, “Yeah, sorry. I’ve never told anyone that, I was worried…”

“Hajime,” Tomoya said, trying to sound reassuring, “You should know by now that you can tell me just about anything and I’ll still be here. It doesn’t matter to me who you like, as long as you’re still yourself.”

Hajime finally smiled and looked at Tomoya, giggling, “Thanks, Tomoya-kun. Of course I’ll still be me.”

“Good,” Tomoya said, grabbing his hand. “And I’ll keep holding your hand, like you want me to, right?”

Hajime nodded, “Yes! But...You wanna hold mine too, right? It’s not just me?”

“I would have let go a long time ago if I didn’t,” He reassured him, “Even if we get into fights, or tell each other really big secrets, in the end I always wanna come back to you, like an oasis~”

“An oasis?” Hajime laughed, “It’s late, you’re saying weird things, Tomoya-kun.” 

“No, I mean it,” Tomoya said, “You told me how you feel, the least I could do is say it back.”

“I’m glad you feel that way, then.” Hajime said, punctuating his sentence with a yawn, “It really is late though. Do you wanna go to sleep?”

“You sound like you do,” Tomoya said, “I’ll get the light then. Good night, Hajime.”

Hajime put the pillow back under his head and laid down, “Good night, Tomoya-kun.”

Hajime closed his eyes, feeling Tomoya get up to turn the light off before coming back and lying by his side.

‘I told him.’ He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He was scared of what Tomoya might think, especially with some of the comments he’d made in the past about them both being guys. He accepted Hajime nonetheless, like he always had.

_‘Maybe he doesn’t like me back because I don’t deserve him.’_


	4. Chapter 4

Tomoya opened his eyes slowly, squinting at the sunlight coming through the blinds. He still felt so tired, like he didn’t get any sleep.

It was true, he couldn’t stop replaying the conversation he and Hajime had last night. He couldn’t stop thinking about Halloween either. Hajime kept saying things like this, and Tomoya was getting frustrated at how it made him felt.

When Mitsuru said he loved Tomoya, it was nice, just Mitsuru being Mitsuru. When Nazuna complimented Tomoya on something he did, Tomoya felt proud more than anything. But Hajime said anything to him these days and it made his chest ache.

He turned over and saw Hajime was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful like this, but Tomoya was vividly remembering his face that day at Halloween, desperate and wet with tears. He even made Hajime cry again last night; Tomoya was starting to think he wasn’t a very good friend.

Tomoya was jolted out of his memories upon hearing what sounded like a small snore come from Hajime. Tomoya couldn’t help but smile, ‘He really is adorable.’ He knew he was probably too close, but Tomoya couldn’t help himself. Hajime’s skin looked so pale and delicate in the faint morning light, his little lips and nose catching Tomoya’s attention as well. 

He really did look like a girl, Tomoya thought to himself, that must be why…

Tomoya groaned, squeezing his eyes shut before getting up and walking to the bathroom down the hall. 

He was breathing hard by the time he got there, not entirely sure why. He slid down the bathroom door, sitting on the floor, _‘Stupid! You know what’s wrong…’ _

Every time he looked at Hajime, he heard it again and again, in that pleading voice. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

For a long time he had thought about how if Hajime were a girl, he would probably, no, definitely date him. What boy wouldn’t? He takes care of Tomoya, helps him, stays by him no matter what, and he’s so damn cute. 

Tomoya stood up, looking in the mirror. He tried to remind himself that even if they weren’t the most masculine looking guys, it didn’t change a thing. How could Tomoya date a boy?

Tomoya suddenly remembered Hajime’s confession last night. Come to think of it, Hajime really did never express interest in any girls in the three or four years Tomoya’s known him. Tomoya himself was never all that interested either, they probably talked about everything but girls, which might be weird for two boys growing up. 

Thinking back to what Hajime told him last night, and what he told him at Halloween, Tomoya really was jealous of Hajime. To say his feelings so easily, to accept himself even if others may not approve, he was so much cooler than him. Tomoya didn’t even know what he was trying to accept anymore, he just wished he could stop feeling weird.

Taking one last deep breath, he gave himself a stern look, “Things will go back to normal, and you’ll feel normal again. Just stop overthinking everything…”

He returned to his room, relieved that Hajime was still asleep. He couldn’t face him, not now. He sat next to him, picking up the nearest book to try and take his mind off of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaaaa tomoya having a gay crisis what's new
> 
> thanks for reading! Haooy Octomohaji (that's right tomohaji owns october i don't make the rules)


	5. Chapter 5

Hajime knew he had started being distant after Halloween, and he was hoping that spending the night at Tomoya’s could help with that. It just felt like Halloween all over again; Hajime felt like he got something off of his chest, but for what? Just to be replaced with another, much heavier one?

Now he was in the library, helping out Tsumugi with putting books back on the shelf, something he agreed to earlier in the week since Tsumugi couldn’t do it today. He was happy to be working by himself though, finally getting some time to just think.

As he was trying to place on of the books on a shelf nearly out of his reach, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Hajime jumped, dropping the book onto his head in the process. 

“Oww…” He groaned, rubbing the spot he hit and turning around. He saw it was Midori, looking as surprised as Hajime was, “Ah, Midori-kun…!”

“I-I’m sorry, Shino-kun!” Midori apologized immediately, “I didn’t mean to surprise you, I just thought you needed help. You’re filling up that shelf with books, but you’re so short…”

“It’s alright, I’m fine,” Hajime said, “You don’t have to worry about me though, this is my job after all! You’re probably looking for something anyway…”

“Just escaping Morisawa-senpai for a little bit,” Midori sighed, “He was getting annoying during practice, so I needed some space. I thought I’d come here, since normally no one’s here after school, but…” He shook his head, “Anyway, the more time I can kill, the better, just give me the books that go on that top shelf.”

“I-If you say so...Thank you, Takamine-kun!” Hajime smiled, handing him a few books, “Do you know what order to put them in?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Midori said, inspecting the spines, “It must have been lonely, working here all by yourself.”

“I thought it was nice, actually,” Hajime admitted, tending to the books on the lower shelves, “It gives me a chance to think.”

“I get that,” Midori sympathized, “What were you thinking about?”

“It’s...Hey Midori-kun, do you remember that morning at the Halloween event? Where you overheard me and Tomoya-kun?”

“U-Uh,” Midori stammered, feeling a little awkward, “Yeah. Is that what you’re thinking about?”

“Kind of. Me and Tomoya agreed things would go back to normal, but that’s not the case.” Hajime sighed, “Tomoya-kun’s acting like how he did during Halloween, like talking to me makes him nervous.”

“Maybe he’s thinking about Halloween too?” Midori suggested, “I mean, you said some pretty heavy stuff…”

“Heavy?” Hajime asked, “I-I just told him how I felt, how I’ve always felt…”

“Yeah, that tends to freak people out.”

“I-I freaked him out?” Hajime cried.

“It didn’t sound like he was expecting you to say that, is all,” Midori explained, “You were crying and everything, then said you loved him.”

When Hajime didn’t respond, Midori looked down to make sure he hadn’t gone too far. Hajime was standing still, hand still on the last book he put away, like he was lost in thought.

“Sh-Shino-kun, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…”

“H-Huh?” Hajime said, snapping out of his daze, “No, no you didn’t do anything… I did say that I loved him, huh?”

“Y-Yeah?” Midori said, “Then he seemed a little shocked, like he was...thinking something else.”

“But he did think that, remember?” Hajime said, “He said it would have been nice if I were a girl, a-and I had to tell him I meant it as a friend, but…”

“...Did you?” Midori asked, despite feeling pretty sure he knew anyway.

Hajime paused, before taking in a shaky breath, “When me and Tomoya-kun were in middle school, there was a race we had to run with our class. We’ve told you about it, haven’t we?”

“You’ve mentioned something like that,” Midori said, “You felt like you couldn’t finish, so Mashiro-kun helped you across the finish line.”

“Yeah. I was dead last, everyone had far surpassed me by that point. But Tomoya-kun stayed by my side. He was the only one willing to walk with me that day, and he was like a prince in my eyes.” Hajime was smiling to himself softly, “I think that was the moment that I knew I loved him…”

“...Like, more than a friend?”

Hajime nodded, “I just kept it to myself, thinking that it would probably go away, that it was just me being dramatic because he didn’t let me finish last, but it never stopped. The more I got to know Tomoya-kun, the deeper I fell. I knew he didn’t feel the same, and never would, but I couldn’t help it, I guess.”

“I-I see,” Midori stammered, not completely sure how to respond, “Uh, sorry to hear?”

“It’s fine,” Hajime shrugged, “It’s just me being dumb, I’m sure we’ll be over it soon, and it’ll all go back to normal.”

“Maybe you should try talking to him, instead of waiting?” Midori suggested, “I dunno, I’m not the expert on relationships, and it sounds like you’ve already tried, but the thought of you two drifting apart is just so depressing…”

“You think we could drift apart?” Hajime asked, a little panicked, “I mean, I know you’re right, that we need to talk again, but I’m just not sure what to say…”

“I guess just tell him how you feel, right?” Midori suggested, “I think that might be what’s stopping you from talking to him. You think you said everything, but there’s still one thing holding you back, the thing you never told him.”

“What would it matter?” Hajime sighed, “He doesn’t like me back, I’d probably just freak him out more, right?”

“Maybe,” Midori said, “Sorry, Shino-kun, I was just talking, I guess. I just don’t wanna see you sulking after every conversation you have with Mashiro-kun anymore.”

“D-Do I make it that obvious?” Hajime asked, a little embarrassed, “But, um, thanks for letting me say all that. I do feel a lot better after talking it out~”

“Glad to hear,” Midori said, actually smiling before he heard running from the hallway and his name being yelled. He rolled his eyes, “I gotta get back, forgot I actually had practice.”

“Yeah, I can handle the rest of it. Thank you for getting the books up high, Takamine-kun!”

They said their goodbyes before Midori left. Hajime sighed, his chest a little less heavy as he got back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized more than half this fic was tomohaji talking to other people hahaaaa gr8 story telling
> 
> I promise this will go somewhere next chapter, plz stick around *finger guns* and thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Another long day at theater club. Although in reality he was only there for a few hours, Wataru managed to make minutes feel like centuries, being overly clingy and overly stingy concerning seemingly everything Tomoya did. He keeps telling him it’s gonna make him a better actor, but he feels more annoyed than anything, especially when he looks at the petticoat he just took off. 

Tomoya sighs out loud at his own thoughts, just happy he got through the day again. He put on his pants and gathered his things, stepping outside of the theater club room. He jumps a little when he looks up and sees Hajime standing there, looking like he was about to knock.

“Ah, Tomoya-kun~” He greets sweetly, “Theater club is finished with their activities for the day?”

“Yeah,” Tomoya answered, “Tea club too, I guess?”

“Mhmm,” Hajime nodded, “It ended a bit ago...To be honest, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to walk home with me? There was something I wanted to talk about…”

Tomoya felt his chest tighten, “Um, sure. I mean, is something the matter?”

“No...Well, yes, b-but it’s not bad or anything!” He said, “I’ll tell you when we’re away from the school, it’s something I don’t really want other people hearing.”

Tomoya nodded, “If you say so, let’s go then.”

Hajime allowed them to walk a good few feet from the school gates before taking what was probably the first deep breaths of many that night, “Tomoya-kun, if you don’t mind, I wanted to talk about Halloween again…”

Hajime swore he saw Tomoya wince a little, “What about it? We already talked about it, at my place…”

“You did,” Hajime said, “You thanked me, but I got angry anyway, and we got sidetracked by things that didn’t really matter.”

“You think what you told me didn’t matter?” Tomoya asked.

“It’s not that,” Hajime said, “I’m glad I told you and all, but it’s not the only thing I wanted you to take away from that conversation. Because you were talking about me telling you I loved you, but I didn’t know how to respond, and it was frustrating.”

“I remember you looked really upset,” Tomoya said, “I thought that maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up again, that I was just making things worse by bringing up things we can’t change.”

“What do you mean? M-Me saying what I said to you..?”

“No, not that, me,” Tomoya sighed, “Like I said before, I ignored what you said. Or, I looked like I did…”

“Looked like it?” Hajime asked.

“You really caught me off guard when you said what you said to me. I don’t know why either, it’s not like it’s the first time you’ve said stuff like that, but…”

Tomoya trailed off, and Hajime decided it was now or never, “Tomoya-kun, I want us to be close forever, more than anything, but I think for that to happen, we need to be honest with each other.”

“Honest?” Tomoya asked, “Um, yeah, yeah you’re right.” He cleared his throat, “Well, uh, if you have something on your mind, go ahead..!”

Hajime found himself chuckling, “You don’t have to be that nervous, Tomoya-kun. It’s not like I hate you. In fact, it’s the opposite, I really do love you, just like I said…”

They both gradually came to a stop, somehow in sync like always. They were only a few blocks away from Hajime’s, but this was more important. Tomoya turned to face him, “I never thought you hated me…”

“I said I loved you, and you didn’t say anything, I wasn’t sure what was wrong. I wondered if I crossed the line, and you would leave me for good, but then you told me you wished I was a girl.”

“And I’m still sorry for that,” Tomoya said sadly.

“I-It’s fine,” Hajime said, waving his hands, “That’s not what this is about, um…You said that, and I told you I meant it like a friend, but that’s not true!” He blurted, “I didn’t wanna say it as a friend!”

Tomoya watched as Hajime began to cry again before shaking his head, realizing he should do something. He gently put a hand on Hajime’s shoulder, “You didn’t mean it as a friend?”

“Ever since the marathon, where you stayed with me so I wouldn’t cross last...I’ve loved you, Tomoya-kun. It felt useless, because I knew you would never like me back, but I remember on Halloween, I felt like I really was going to lose you. I had to let you know, and yet…”

“H-Hey, Hajime…” Tomoya said softly, trailing his hand down Hajime’s arm to hold his hand in an attempt to comfort him, “You...Like me that much? You really did mean it like that?”

Hajime only nodded, squeezing Tomoya’s hand, “I didn’t wanna scare you away. You’re the reason I was brave enough to enter Yumenosaki, to learn to sing and dance, and perform in front of crowds. More than that, you understand me, and accept me, more than anyone else. I don’t know what I’ll do if you go away…”

Tomoya looked down at their hands, “This is the third time this month I’ve made you cry, huh?” He said, “Everything I say seems to be wrong, and we end up like this again…” He looked to Hajime, noticing he was still bowing his head and weeping, “Hajime?”

Hajime looked up at him, “Y-Yes, Tomoya-kun?”

“Since you’ve told me three separate times how you feel, and I’ve made you cry every time, it’s only fair that I tell you how I feel, right?”

“Didn’t you do that already?” Hajime asked, “You thanked me?”

“Not just that,” Tomoya said, “It’s...I’ve had a lot of complicated feelings since coming to Yumenosaki. Between joining a unit focused on how cute I am and being forced to crossdress, I guess I kind of worry about my image sometimes. Like how can a boy do these kinds of things? For a while, it made me feel really insecure, I guess.”

“Being in Ra*bits made you feel insecure?” Hajime asked.

“K-Kind of, but not anymore!” Tomoya said quickly, “I don’t really mind, if I’m really that cute, what else can I do, right? The crossdressing’s a different story, but…” He shook his head, “That’s not the point. When we first started out activities with Ra*bits, I remember I was watching you a lot. You’ve always been cute to me, but now that you were having to show it off, I really couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

Hajime gave a short, breathy laugh, which helped Tomoya build up a little more confidence, “I mean it! To me, you’re the cutest in the whole galaxy. The longer we were in Ra*bits together, the more I wanted to look at you, the more I thought about you.”

This caught Hajime’s attention, his head shot up to look Tomoya in the face, “You thought about me a lot?”

“Yeah…” Tomoya admit it, “That’s really embarrassing to say to your face, but I guess I owe you an explanation after all I’ve put you through lately, huh?” He tried laughing it off before clearing his throat, remembering he wasn’t finished, “I remember feeling really insecure again, so I kept telling myself ‘Everyone thinks Hajime is cute, anyone would wanna be with Hajime,’ stuff like that. I was able to eventually push those kinds of thoughts to the back of my mind, but then you told me you loved me…”

“A-And that’s why you didn’t say anything?” Hajime asked, although judging by his face Tomoya wasn’t sure Hajime had figured out what he’s been trying to say.

“Exactly,” Tomoya confirmed, “All those thoughts I pushed back came racing back to the front of my mind. You said you loved me, and I didn’t know what to make of it. For a second, I thought maybe I was just hearing things, but seeing you cry like that, that couldn’t have been the case. I wasn’t ready to face those thoughts again, I didn’t want to, so I said something dumb. I said the first thing I could think of to make sure you weren’t really confessing to me, but instead I ended up making you say something you didn’t mean.”

“T-Tomoya-kun,” Hajime said softly, sounding like he was on the verge of tears again, “What did you really wanna say, then?”

Tomoya looked at Hajime, eyes wet and cheeks ruddy (probably from a combination of crying and the cold wind blowing on them, and Tomoya realized they probably should have just gone the few extra blocks to his house), and couldn’t help but smile as he said the words that would finally put an end to all this drama, “It’s that I also wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t by my side anymore, and that I love you too, Hajime.” 

Hajime’s eyes widened, and a look of surprise quickly turned into a wide smile and squinting eyes. “Tomoya-kun!,” he let go of Tomoya’s hand in favor of hugging him, arms wrapped tightly around him.

Tomoya stumbled back a little, not expecting Hajime to suddenly hug him, but it wasn’t like he hated it. He hugged him back, “Sorry if that was cheesy, but like you, I wanted to tell you how I feel. More than anything, I wanted us to go back to normal…”

Hajime lifted his head, “You still want that, Tomoya-kun? For us to be like how we were before?”

“Ah, uh-! No, not really! I mean, I don’t think things need to change completely or anything, but I mean, it’s just us, right? Even if our relationship turns into something different, we don’t need to change or anything.”

Hajime nodded his head, resting it back on Tomoya’s shoulder, “I agree. I like how we are now, and I’m glad we can be honest with each other.”

“Me too,” Tomoya said, shivering at a cold breeze, “Hey, you’re shivering, Hajime. Let’s get back to your place already, we can hang out for a few hours.”

Hajime back away completely, still holding Tomoya’s hand. He nodded, “Yeah, I’d like that, Tomoya-kun.”

Tomoya nodded back, squeezing Hajime’s hand in his as they walked side by side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That wraps up this story! Happy Octomohaji, see u in December ;)))))))
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it!!!


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